For Better or Worse, and all the Unknowns

In keeping with my promise to share our ups and downs through life, I have an ongoing low that has become an all around downer for us. My husband was let go from his job as a Subsea engineer. We have known it was coming since the company he worked for had not been winning work for months. Reed has been looking for a new job for the past year and a half in oil and gas. He’s applied to hundreds of jobs and has never received an interview for any of them. Anyone in this industry knows all too well that nearly every company has implemented a hiring freeze. Jobs get posted on the company page and then get removed the next day.

I thought it would be so easy for Reed to establish a career. He had a degree much more technical than mine and landed a job right out of college. He’s so skilled at advanced math, which is my weak point, and he’s a hardworking engineer that produces accurate work. I on the other hand felt like a train wreck out of school with absolutely no idea of what direction to take. My plans before graduation had failed and I was fortunate to find a great job right after the wedding. Now I am feeling pressured because I am the only one with a job and the pressure is intensified because Reed made significantly more than my salary.

So basically we both feel like failures. I think I may want to try and go back to school, but I have a learning disability that made it difficult for me to graduate with my bachelors. I feel that I have no chance at getting accepted into a graduate program and being able to complete all the requirements. That’s without taking into account the financial burden it would bring. Reed had big dreams of working for a successful company and getting promoted, something which neither of us have experienced.

We both live a frugal lifestyle and save all of our funds in hopes of living out our dreams. I’ve been saving all my spare change to see Europe and I hope to maybe even make it to Asia. Our biggest dream is to one day have a family of our own. Unfortunately with Reed having no steady career and my low income, I keep thinking this dream needs to be put off for much longer than I had originally hoped. It sounds so naive that a few years ago we really thought that Reed would be able to support both of us one day so I could focus on being a mother. Reed always tells me that there’s still hope, but struggle to believe it. I am definitely guilty of being a pessimist.

I do still have my job in purchasing and I try to do my best. I can’t afford to lose this position. My job has its own ups and downs and sometimes can really wear on me. I hope more than anything that this is just a low point in our lives and that things will change, but I’m not sure how long this will last. What’s even worse is when I think about all that Reed did to try and succeed in his career. He applied for every opportunity to work overseas and was constantly turned down. I know all too well that it’s because he worked for a British company that played favorites and unfortunately, never wanted to keep someone that was American. It sounds insane to say that, but from my experience working in business I know that people play favorites all the time. Don’t even get me started on this companies hiring choices and management. The companies goal was to expand in the United States, yet they never wanted to hire anyone from the U.S. The company itself is nothing but a straight downward spiral. Although I know it does no good to bash my husband’s former workplace, it does bring me a smidgen of satisfaction. I want more than anything for Reed to work for a good company!

I hate to be so negative, but this is something that has been dragging us into the mud for over a year now. I’m just ready to move on and have something positive happen for my husband. They say marriage is for better or worse, for richer or poorer, but this statement doesn’t describe all the stress you will feel in those times of worse. I can only pray that we don’t have to experience “in sickness” yet.

I just love this guy so much, and I want to see him succeed and be happy again. He’s so hardworking and is ready to be dedicated, he just doesn’t have the opportunity to do so. I know there are so many people who have worked in oil and gas that are in the exact same position.

The struggle to get it all figured out is real. Do we ever end up getting all our ducks in a row? To be honest, it just feels good to throw it all out there and say everything that’s been on my mind. The truth is that we have a roof over our head, food to eat, and really everything we need to live. What matters most is that we stick together in our struggles and support each other when we are worried. Reed will find another job eventually and I just need to continue to do the best I can. It’s easy to feel like a failure when I think about all of the things I haven’t done. Instead, I need to remind myself to take a look at what I have and that there’s no set timeline in life. I need to have a more positive outlook, since nothing great ever happens without change. Setbacks are just life’s little speed bumps, right?

This is from our engagement pictures back in spring of 2013. Reed was telling me something funny but I can’t remember what it was.

And here’s my dog because he’s the best! I was trying to photograph my furniture and caught his goofy self in the pic too.